Pure Stupidity
by Anakin T Skywalker
Summary: A set of really short, really stupid Vader fics that some people might find funny. If I think of any more, I might post them if not, I won't.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I have never owned Star Wars.**

A really stupid reason to turn to the Dark Side. Inspired by the tastiness of Christmas candy.

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Palpatine stood, robed in shadow, no longer hiding the fact that he was a master of evil. He obviously trusted greatly in his ability to win Anakin's loyalty; Anakin, however, had no intention of letting that happen. He stood stoically as Palpatine tried to tempt him.

"Fulfill your destiny, Anakin! Join the Sith, and learn to wield more power than even you can imagine!"

"No. I already have greater potential for power than anyone else in the galaxy, including you. I don't need the help of the less powerful."

"But I can give you the authority to rule the galaxy!"

"No. I hate politics."

"You can have all the riches, all the wealth of the galaxy!"

"No. I was a slave, and now I'm a Jedi. I'm not used to having possessions. What would I do with it all?"

"You will be famous throughout the galaxy, exalted as a hero! You will no longer be insulted by the Jedi Council and held back by their jealousy!"

"No. I am already famous. I am already known as the Hero With No Fear. And if I pass this test you are administering, I will have earned the trust of the Council."

"I can help you achieve the power to save your wife!"

"No. I'm powerful enough; I can figure out how to save her myself."

"I will give you chocolate! Dark chocolate!"

"I will do whatever you ask."


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not presently own Star Wars.**

This is based on the popular theory that chocolate helps stabilize women's moods. I figure, if it works for moody women, maybe it could work for moody guys, too?

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"You're going down a path I can't follow!" wailed Padmé. She stood on the volcanic planet Mustafar before her husband, who was obviously not in the best of moods. In fact, she had a feeling that she was about to see him at his very worst.

"Because of Obi-wan?" he added to her statement.

"Because of what you've done!"

Suddenly, he was looking beyond her. She turned to see what had captured his attention: Obi-wan stood on the boarding ramp of her starship.

"You!" Anakin snarled. "You brought him here to destroy me!" His hand went up, his fingers made a squeezing motion, and he began to choke Padmé with the Force.

"No! Anakin! Stop!" Obi-wan's voice rang out. "She didn't bring me here! I stowed away! And I'm not here to destroy you; I just came to bring you your daily dose of chocolate, which you forgot to take both yesterday and today!" Obi-wan held out a plastic bag of chocolate chips. Anakin dropped Padmé and went running across the landing platform to Obi-wan. He snatched the bag away, ripped it open, and practically inhaled the chocolate chips. He closed his eyes for a full minute; when he opened them again, he blinked in confusion.

"Hey! Where in the galaxy am I? It's really hot! How'd I get here anyway? And – hey, what's going on? Padmé, what happened? Are you okay? Obi-wan! I thought you were supposed to be killing General Grievous! How come you're here? What is this?"

Obi-wan didn't answer him; he was too busy helping a coughing Padmé to her feet. "Sorry about that, Senator. He gets a little out of control when he misses his dose of chocolate. His mood swings just take over. Don't mind him. Oh! and may I advise you to always keep some chocolate on hand? He's forgotten it before, and I'm sure he will again!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I never will own Star Wars.**

A very short, very goofy way to disrupt, if not outright destroy, the immolation scene.

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"You were the Chosen One!" shouted Obi-wan. "You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join them!"

Anakin looked stunned, then confused, then suspicious. With great difficulty, he used his one remaining hand to pull out a thick book from one of his pockets.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," he said, turning to a spot near the end of the book and scanning the pages. "Aha! Read it for yourself!" he shouted triumphantly, offering the book to Obi-wan. "It says right here in the script that I turn to the Dark Side and join the Sith!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: For any idiots who have yet to figure it out, I don't own Star Wars.**

Short and stupid.

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The surgical table on which Darth Vader lay slowly rotated to an upright position.

"Vader… Can you hear me?" asked Palpatine.

"Yes, my Master," replied the monstrous figure.

"Good. Vader, your duel with Kenobi has caused much damage to your body. I'm afraid it will be necessary for you to remain in this suit for the rest of your life."

Vader sighed.

"I'm sure you must have many questions about it; ask now, and learn what your capabilities and your limitations will be."

"Master," Vader began slowly.

"Yes?" replied Palpatine, expecting a practicality question such as, "Will the suit limit my use of the Force?"

Vader took a deep, mechanical breath. "Do I look fat in this?"

Palpatine's mouth dropped open in shock.

"Why are you even worried about that?" he finally replied.

This seemed to satisfy Vader. "Then I have only one other question," he said. "Does this come in navy?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Still haven't figured it out? Star Wars is not mine!**

Darth Vader has a senior moment and forgets something very important!

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Luke clung to the walkway with his one good arm. Darth Vader savored the moment, enjoying the shock Luke was about to experience.

"Luke, I am your…" Vader's mind blanked completely! What had he been going to say? "Uncle," he finished weakly. No, that wasn't it.

"Wait, no, I am your brother?" he tried again, but that wasn't right either. The proper relationship was eluding him, so he tried everything he knew.

"Your brother-in-law? Your cousin? Your second cousin once removed? Your grandfather?" He winced beneath his mask. He couldn't be _that _old, could he?

Vader was still drawing a blank. "Uhhmm," he said, stalling. This was really embarrassing!

Then Luke piped up, "Are you my son?"

Vader's jaw would have dropped in dismay and disbelief. "I'm older than you!" he roared.

Luke stared at him stupidly. "So?" he finally said.

Vader smacked his helmeted head with his right artificial hand. His son was an idiot! Wait… his son! He was Luke's _father!_

He took another glance at the pathetic figure clinging to the walkway for dear life.

"Never mind," he said. "I've decided I'd rather not admit to being related to you after all!" He turned on his heel and strode away.


	6. Chapter 6

OK, so technically, in this one, Anakin's not Vader yet... and it's not chronological... but, it is purely stupid, so I thought it would fit. Enjoy!

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I can't believe this! I mean, I never really did understood the Council, but this is ridiculous!

Don't give me that bored look, you have to know this is crazy! Absolutely insane!

Oh, you're just gonna ignore me, huh? Not even look my direction? But I'm sure those are your orders. You're probably not supposed to talk to me, eh? And I'm sure you're a good, obedient Jedi Knight. But you know what? I can still talk to you, whether you answer or not. And you don't have much choice but to listen. Weird, isn't it, how I'm the one imprisoned, but you're a captive audience.

One moment I was sitting contentedly at my computer, and the next I'm here in a containment cell in the Jedi Temple. They've taken my lightsaber and utility belt, and even the Force from me. But you know that – I'm sure you can feel it, too. This room must have been designed to contain Sith Lords or something. I'm pretty sure they're putting something in my water, too – some drug that inhibits the Force. They sure do know how to punish – locking me up isn't enough, is it? They know how awful it is for a Jedi to be stripped of the Force. How can they inflict this kind of pain on me, even while they preach compassion? Jedi don't torture their prisoners – or at least, that's what they told me.

Then again, I'm sure they're pretty nervous about now. I suppose I would be, too, in their position. Finding a Sith living in the Temple, pretending to be a Jedi, has got to be every Jedi Master's nightmare.

The thing is, there's no Sith Lord living in the Temple. I've been wrongfully accused. That's right, I'm not a Sith Lord. Oh, I know you don't believe that – you take every thing the Masters say completely for granted, don't you? Just swallow it down, like a baby thrantcill being fed by its mother.

It's true, though. I'm not a Sith, and never have been. In fact, it wouldn't even be entirely accurate to say I've thought about becoming one. This is all really just a big misunderstanding!

I was just taking some down time in between my latest mission debriefing and my next assignment. So I'm sitting there, relaxing and messing around on the computer, and having a good time. Then Master comes walking in, and he asks what I'm doing. I saw no reason to hide what I was doing from Obi-Wan, so I told him: "I just turned to the Dark Side."

Well, he about had a heart attack! I've never seen him lose control so fast. It was absolutely hilarious at first. He started into one of his lectures, trying to get me to come back to the Light. At the time, I thought he was joking, so I said, "What's the matter with switching to the Dark Side, Obi-Wan? It's not that bad! Besides, I can always switch back!"

He turned really, really white – almost passed out, I think – then grabbed my arm and pretty much dragged me to the Council chamber, wailing all the way about how this wasn't some trivial matter, it was an absolute disaster. He kept shutting his eyes and shouting "What did I do wrong?" in this completely traumatized tone, and then scolding me about how I obviously didn't understand the importance of all this, and how I couldn't just change sides like changing clothes.

It all happened so fast, it kind of blurred together, and then I was standing in the middle of the Council chamber with twelve Jedi Masters staring at me with half-frightened, half-accusing eyes.

"Is it true, young Skywalker, that you have turned to the Dark Side?" asked Master Windu in his big booming voice.

He intimidates me a little bit, makes me feel really uncomfortable and a little shy. But I managed to answer "No" in a really small voice.

Obi-Wan stared at me. "You just told me that you did! Why would you – how _could_ you even _think_ about lying or joking about something like this?"

Just for the record, I don't lie, and especially not to my Master. But he seemed to forget that, so I reminded him. None of the Masters believed me, though – which really kind of stung. Master Windu demanded that I tell the absolute truth and asked again if I had turned to the Dark Side.

"No," I said again, then remembered what was causing all the confusion. "Okay, well, maybe sort of…"

I didn't get a chance to say another word. Obi-Wan collapsed on the floor, and a couple of Masters ran to try to revive him. I ran to help, too, but Master Windu reached out and grabbed me by the back of my tunic.

"Stay away from him, you've done enough damage already!" he shouted angrily. I thought Jedi weren't supposed to know anger, but… Anyway, he stripped off my belt and lightsaber and stuck me in this room that blocks the Force, and said they'd deal with me later. Yoda had followed him down the hall, and he peeked in and stared at me before Mace shut the door. He looked so incredibly sad it almost made me want to cry myself – I didn't, though. But I heard him say, "Terrible, this is, for him to have turned so young. _Sad_, it makes my heart. Only fifteen years old, and already – claimed him, the Dark Side has."

That was two weeks ago. I've been sitting here ever since, bored as a swoop mechanic at a Senate convention, waiting for them to decide what to do with me. Every four hours, they change the guards, and none of them talk to me, just like you aren't. I think they're all scared of me, just like you are. And, as I said, I'm sure you're not supposed to talk to me and are just doing your job.

After all this time, though, I wonder if they're ever going to get me out and if I'm ever going to get a chance to explain myself. But maybe you can help me. You and your buddy there – sorry, I don't know your names – are the first ones I've told this all to; before, I just couldn't deal with talking and not getting a response. But I'm getting desperate now. So, when your shift's up in a few hours, will you tell them what really happened?

Oh, did I forget to mention that? Sorry, I'm going a little crazy locked up in here; another week, and I'll be completely hawk-batty.

I'm not a Sith in real life, only on Jedi vs. Sith. I did turn to the Dark Side – on Facebook.


End file.
